2013: The Year of Letting Go

I have a habit of at the end of every year, trying to reflect on the events of that time, what I learned and what I plan to do with the lessons life taught me. 2011 was the year of sorrow (not a fun year but a very important one. We had 2 miscarriages and lost our son in the second trimester but I learned to value every gift life gave me no matter how fleeting), 2012 was the year of miracles (We had our beautiful daughter Natalie). I've had a few defining years in my life, but none quite like 2013. When you learn that your child has something like Sotos Syndrome, it changes you. In some ways it instantaneous, other ways it's like a slow churn. Little by little the soft shallow layers of myself have been chipped away and in its place is someone stronger.


 I've learned to embrace the new but more importantly this year taught me how to let go. 


LETTING GO OF ANGER- We spent the first year of our daughter's life being shuffled from specialist to specialist. We worried about things like tumors (before we knew about Sotos), therapy, MRI's and walkers. The general uncertainty of what to expect became our norm. We finally got our dream child and doctors were telling us there was something "wrong" with her. Then when I learned of what Sotos was, I'm not going to lie I was angry, hurt and scared. Angry because there was an answer to what was going on with our child and it took that long to figure it out (I realize now how stupid I was for thinking that 8 months was a long time when I've talked to other moms who had to endure years before finding out, but for me who is not the most patient person in the world- 8 months was an excruciatingly long time) Hurt because like most moms I hoped our daughter would have an easier go at life than we did. I worried about how my delicate little princess would fare in a world where things would be different for her. Don’t worry, it didn’t take long for us to realize Natalie was less a delicate little princess and more of a fierce little fighter (after all, she is a Freund/Evans hybrid- we’re a tough breed). And I was scared because I knew after that moment- nothing would be the same. It was a whole new ball game and I didn’t know the rules.

There were times when I felt anger would swallow me whole. I wanted that blissful ignorance back. I wanted those doctors to just be wrong. After years of trying to get and stay pregnant, this was supposed to be our happy ending. I was looking for someone to blame, and I found it in just about everyone. The mothers who did every drug under the sun and still gave birth to healthy babies. I hated them. Everyone who said, she’s going to be just fine, quit stressing. I hated them too. I wanted to scream: shut up you have no idea. The little girl in the Elementary school who said my child looked like an alien because of the way her head was shaped. Yeah, I hated that little kid too. Obviously, during that part of the year I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around. As destructive as Anger is, it’s attractive. As long as you’re holding on to that, you don’t have to think about anything else. But at the end of the day there was a little blue eyed baby that needed me to get over it and let it go. I could hang on to the anger, or I could hang on to my child. Easy decision.

LETTING GO OF PERFECTION- It’s easy to get caught in the perfection trap. Look around you, everyone gets stuck in it at some point or another. We strive for the perfect marriage, family, house, job. We try to craft our “image” and fit into these molds that somehow is always just out of reach. If you’re not careful you find yourself doing things you don’t like or buying things you don’t need or even sometimes want just so you can measure yourself against someone else’s standards. Unfortunately this can go the same for our kids. This kid is prettier, this one’s smarter…labels, labels, labels. When you learn your child has Sotos you have to let go of your old idea of what “perfect” means. You learn quickly that someone else’s standards don’t mean anything. Our children are already perfect, no assembly required.

LETTING GO OF LIMITATIONS- I worried my child would never crawl- she did. I read that she might have a hard time speaking- this kid makes herself known, let me tell ya. It’s funny how quickly it becomes apparent that although it may take her a little longer to get some things, she gets it. I’ve let go of the idea that things can be impossible for her. Natalie is many things, but a quitter isn’t one of them. I don’t think I could limit this kid if I tried. But that goes the same for myself. This year I let go of my limitations. I am a wife. A mother. A writer. A social worker. A special needs parent mentor. I want to lead through example for my daughter. I want her to know it takes guts to turn your dreams into reality and do more than you thought you could. I want her to know that letting go of limitations are worth it.  

 I don't know if I believe in destiny or fate. I believe in God though, I believe he sets a path for us to follow and sometimes if you don't let go of the distractions like anger, perfection, and limitations it's easy to make a wrong turn once in a while. But those side roads don't ever seem to make you get to where you're going faster and sometimes it even takes you back farther than where you started. Not going to lie, I get stuck on those side roads- a lot. But being the idealist that I am I think of those times as like a refresher course, and when I finally clear away the brush and find my way back it's amazing. There is something liberating when you finally let go, say ok life this is what you give me now watch what I do with it. EVERYTHING in life is an opportunity. To me there is only two options, learn from it or make it better. So to 2013 I say: Thanks it’s been a blast. To 2014: Bring it on!